The truth is infertility hurts. I believe whole heartedly that it will happen again for me, I have to believe it if not month after month I wouldn’t be pushing forward and trying again. And when someone tells me I am not being positive enough or putting it out into the universe I want to tell them to go fuck themselves because I have put it out there so many times in so many ways and believed with every ounce I have but after years and YEARS of getting so close I can see the reality and then loosing it, there are times that it’s hard to believe. But I still do, no matter how sad I feel or how much it hurts, I still believe.
The question that was posed to me recently was when is it positive thinking and when is it obsession. I don’t doubt that there are moments my desire is obsessive, the times when my boobs start to hurt more than normal or I feel something different and I find myself at 1am on some forum looking for some other woman to say they had the same symptoms and is now 6 months pregnant and everything is fine. It isn’t healthy and I am aware of that and at 1am I actually can hear the voice in my heard telling me to turn it off and go to sleep but I just want to find someone to tell me what I want to hear. And then a few days later I get my first of what will be many negative tests and that woman I found was the exception not the norm. But one day I could be the exception, it happens, it happened to her.
The other day I read a post on Instagram and it set me off, someone I don’t know being grateful for the third child they asked the universe for and shortly there after received. My jealously growing quickly like Jack’s beanstalk and unable to handle the pain – I just cried. When will it be my turn? For a short while I considered running from Instagram altogether, so I didn’t have to see any more beautiful newborn babies in their mother’s thankful arms. But I don’t run. I don’t hide. I believe. Because believing has got me this far.
I might have my moments but who doesn’t, right? The truth is that life isn’t easy, and everyone has struggles, I have had plenty, but I have always ALWAYS turned to my art and my creativity to push forward. I find a way, sometimes obvious in nature and other times cryptic, but I put my message out there, if even only for myself. So I will keep on doing it, because if nothing else I have to wipe my tears long enough to snap the picture.